Published March 16, 2007
This story is something I just thought up in math class. Please tell me
what ya'll think of it even if you think it sucks. Hope you enjoy the first
two paragraphs or so of chapter 1. P.S. no title yet.
The rain had only been coming down for couple hours, and it had already
flooded the yard. Jake Kincade sat in front of the dying fire with ghosts
from his past in his eyes. A gray wolf, who had been an abandoned pup
that he had tamed, slept at his feet. Suddenly Jake was yanked from
his thoughts as the animal woke and started growling toward the door.
"What is it Rogue?" Jake asked
Rogue ran toward the door and clawed the bottom trying to get outside.
Jake grabbed his rifle from its place near his chair leaning against the
fireplace and went to the door. He opened the door to the sight of rain
driving itself into the ground and the shadow of riders on the far end of
his pasture. Jake thought they were cattle rustlers and fired off a warning
shot into the sky. One of the shadows fell, or seemed to be pushed, to
the ground. the shadow laid unmoving after he hit the ground. The other
two took off for the mountains to the east. Rogue shot off after them but
stopped over the shadow. Jake wondered why rustlers would come this
far north to steal his cattle. There were much bigger ranches below him
with a much better herd to raid. He had a sudden suspicion the
riders weren't rustlers at all as he approached the fallen shadow.
hope you enjoyed this. I 'll finish chap. 1 soon. please tell me what you think of the story so far.
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141,397 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
better than i expected , like jhone sawen's style - all aspects were good but not particuarily brilliant , the fact that you managed to create strong suspence and stronger curiosity in such a small peace is rare - keep going with the story , even when it feels like youve lost all motivation, becuase it normaly comes back - would like to see more | rod
ps- how come theres a kitten in a speder web?
Comma aftere hours.
.
The word shoot seemed wrong right here. If it's supposed to be shot then you have shot twice in one sentence, and that sounds repetitive. Can you try "and fired a warning shot into the sky.
The idea of the plot was good, but I think you could have expanded on the detail to make it more realistic. The grammer was also a little distracting, and the lack of paragraphing made it difficult to read. Good job. Looking forward to more.
"a gray wolf" - capital A.
""What is it Rogue?" Jake asked" - full-stop after "asked".
"from it's place" - no apostrophe needed.
"shot off a warning shoot" - "shot", not "shoot".
"the shadow laid unmoving after he hit the ground" - capital T.
A good start to the story. Watch your punctuation when you continue. Try not to repeat certaion words such as "shot" and "shadow", find alternatives. Space the paragraphs out and fix the line lengths.